Sitting on the hotel bed I frown as I look at the engagement ring on my finger. It's a reminder that this morning I have accepted another man's proposal for marriage and that soon, in a matter of months or a year I will be someone's wife while secretly wanting the affections of the one man I can't ever have legally. That I will never be able to have ever.
Hearing a knock on the door I stand from the bed and go to answer the door, smiling when I see Zac standing there. I knew it would be him. It's always him that I meet here. It's always him that's my secret and he will always have to stay that way.
"I am glad you came," I tell him before moving aside so he can come into the room. I swear he hasn't changed much since the last time we were here three months ago. Three long months it seems like.
Zac just smiles at me as he comes into the room, "You call and I come," he nods as he bites his lip before blushing. "I always come when it concerns you, it's that simple," he says before nodding his head and taking his leather jacket off. It's September but it's getting fall and there is a chill to the air.
Blushing at Zac's words I shut the door behind him, "You really shouldn't be that way," I remind him knowing he has a wife and kids. "I'm your sister not your wife," I sigh wishing that he hadn't fallen in love with me or I him but it happened. It happened that summer that Kate had taken Shepherd and Junia to Georgia and threatened not to come back. Zac had been so scared of losing her and I had just been there. He was my brother and I was there and things had just happened.
"I love you Jessica," he tells me as he steps closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist, his lips going to my neck. I'm not facing him because I feel too guilty to face him. How can I face him when I am wearing Joe's engagement ring. A ring that he has been trying to give me for years and I had kept turning him down.
Taking a deep breath I finally turn to face Zac though I stay in his embrace, "I accepted Joe's proposal," I inform him as I hold my hand up to show him the ring. It's then that his face becomes unreadable. I have always been able to read Zac but this, this is different and it scares me because I want to know how he feels. I want to see how he feels.
"Am I supposed to congratulate you?" Zac asks after a few minutes and he moves away from me, his arms being gone from my waist make me feel so damn empty.
"No," I say as I shake my head. "I just thought you should know," I tell him knowing he does need to know. He needs to know that soon I am going to be someone else's like he belongs to someone else.
Zac frowns finally as he looks away from me, "I think you are making a mistake," he states as his voice cracks and I feel my heart shatter. I know he is on the verge of tears when his voice cracks and it makes me feel awful. "Joe's not right for you," he says when he looks at me again and this time I can read his emotions as I see tears brimming in his brown eyes.
I sigh at his words, "Maybe so but the person who is right for me I can't have," I tell him as I nod and look into his eyes. "He is my brother and it's illegal and he is married anyway," I shrug before walking towards him but he moves away slightly. "I want a family Zac," I tell him knowing he should know my reasons for accepting Joe's proposal. "I'm twenty-seven and I want a family and kids. I can't have those with you and you have Kate."
"But I don't want Kate," Zac whispers as he looks away from me again.
"You went back to her when she came back from Georgia after being gone for almost a year. You went back to her and left me in the dust just to be your secret," I state raising my voice some. "I mean I was your secret anyway but then I had to become a secret you just met at a hotel once every so many months. We couldn't just go to your house like we used too."
Zac keeps his gaze off of me even after I speak. I half wonder if he is thinking of something to say. Something to explain away why he took Kate back when he loved me. "I had to take her back Jessie," he finally says his voice low. "She's my wife and the mother of my children. I can't just leave her even if she treats me like shit," he said as he looks at me again. "I just want to be happy and I could never be with you like I am here. I can never truly be with you."
I nod my head because I know what he means. I know that feeling because that is almost the same thing I had said about Joe. "And that's why I accepted Joe's proposal," I sigh as I look down at the floor. "I can never truly be with you."
When I use his own words I hear him exhale loudly before walking towards me and he lifts my cheek. After he does he just kisses me roughly and it's after that things become a blur. We end up making love on the floor and then the bed and I almost don't want it to end but it does because like every moment with him it all comes crashing down too soon and the moment is broken after the second time we make love, the time on the bed. His phone ends up ringing and we both know from the ring tone who it is.
Frowning I watch as he slips from the bed to answer it and I'm not shocked when he comes back to tell me it was Kate and that he has to go. One of their children is apparently sick and needs their daddy. I find it convenient only because she seems to always call during our stolen times together now.
After Zac leaves I stay and I cry. I cry because of the things I can't have with him and I cry because of what I can have with Joe. Things I want with Zac but of course life never gives you what you want. It just keeps giving you one blow after another.
___________________________________________________________________________
Five months later I paste on a smile as I stand in the bathroom of the reception hall where my wedding reception is taking place. Everyone is out there having fun. Everyone but me. I would be having fun but how can I have fun when I just married a man I don't love? When just mere weeks after this day that man and I are going to be moving to Vegas because of his work. I will no longer be here with Zac for even stolen moments. Moments that we have been having more frequently leading up to my wedding.
Hell I haven't even told Zac I was leaving. I haven't found that courage yet. I know it will break him and I'm not ready to deal with that just yet.
Hearing the door to the bathroom open I look up and again use my fake smile when I see Avery waltzing in. It's apparent she has had too much alcohol but I'm not going to call her on it.
"There you are Jessie," she giggles as she walks to me. "Mom was about to have a fit trying to find you and Zac well Zac is pouting and being his usual self," she says as she nudges me in the arm.
"Zac has no reason to pout," I tell her as I scrunch up my nose and shake my head.
Avery gives me a look I can't read as she giggles again, "Of course he does," she says matter of factly. "He loves you."
I swallow hard at Avery's words and shake my head, "He doesn't love me."
"That's what he said after he came to my house and got high with me last week. He went on this rant on how he loved you and you were getting married and you could never be with him like you both wanted. I don't even think he knew I was listening but I always listen to what Zac says," Avery sighs a hint of sadness in her voice at the last words she says. "But that's not the point. The point is Zac does love you and you married another man and he is pouting. At least go out there and dance with Zac once so you two can pretend it's your wedding dance."
Again I shake my head not even sure Avery is making sense but I walk towards the door and leave the bathroom. Sure enough I do see Zac sitting beside Kate and he does kind of look like he is pouting.
"I told you he was pouting," Avery whispers which makes me jump because I hadn't even realized she had came out of the bathroom. "Now go dance with him and make our brother happy."
"I don't think I should," I whisper back as I look towards Joe and see him sitting next to our mother. He looks bored out of his mind. "I should save my husband from our mother before she bores him to death," I nod as I walk away from Avery and head to Joe.
Sometime after I join Joe I can't help but turn my head to look at Zac again though when I do I raise an eyebrow noticing he is gone from his seat. It's only then that I look towards the dance floor and see him there. It seems Avery has decided to do what I wouldn't. She is dancing with Zac and I'm shocked that Kate even allowed Zac out of her sights for that long and I find myself a little unsettled with the way Avery is dancing with Zac.
Maybe it's not the fact that I am shocked. Maybe I am jealous especially when Avery raises her head from Zac's shoulder to say something to him. It's the look in her eyes that makes a chill run down my spine. How could I have missed the signs all along or had this just developed? How could I have not known that Avery was in love with the man who I also loved? How could I have not noticed her pining after Zac?
Looking away from them I sigh now understanding the sadness in Avery's voice in the bathroom. She is in love with Zac and she knows about us and god that had to hurt her, especially if..well god she had always talked about loving someone but it being forbidden and him probably not feeling the same and being grossed out. Now she knows though..she knows he has done the same things she has wanted from him but with me..a sister whom she has looked up too.
I almost feel sad for her especially when I know she gave me the option to dance with Zac too and I didn't take it. I didn't take it so she did and at least maybe I did do one good thing today and with this whole mess with Joe and the engagement. I at least gave Avery a bit of Zac and maybe she can pretend in this moment Zac loves her just like she had wanted Zac and I to pretend it was our wedding dance if I had taken her advice.
Hell maybe once I am gone he will turn to Avery for comfort though I kind of don't want him too. I want him to just stay unhappy with Kate like I have to be unhappy with Joe now. I don't want him turning to anyone else to make him feel better. I want to have the knowledge that only I can do that and that he will only ever love me, even if that makes me cruel or twisted. That is the boat I am going to be in. There will be no one else who will ever make me feel happy and hopefully whenever I do come to visit Zac and I can go to our secret meeting place at that hotel and for brief periods we can make each other feel happy again because no one else can make us feel that way.
Hearing a knock on the door I stand from the bed and go to answer the door, smiling when I see Zac standing there. I knew it would be him. It's always him that I meet here. It's always him that's my secret and he will always have to stay that way.
"I am glad you came," I tell him before moving aside so he can come into the room. I swear he hasn't changed much since the last time we were here three months ago. Three long months it seems like.
Zac just smiles at me as he comes into the room, "You call and I come," he nods as he bites his lip before blushing. "I always come when it concerns you, it's that simple," he says before nodding his head and taking his leather jacket off. It's September but it's getting fall and there is a chill to the air.
Blushing at Zac's words I shut the door behind him, "You really shouldn't be that way," I remind him knowing he has a wife and kids. "I'm your sister not your wife," I sigh wishing that he hadn't fallen in love with me or I him but it happened. It happened that summer that Kate had taken Shepherd and Junia to Georgia and threatened not to come back. Zac had been so scared of losing her and I had just been there. He was my brother and I was there and things had just happened.
"I love you Jessica," he tells me as he steps closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist, his lips going to my neck. I'm not facing him because I feel too guilty to face him. How can I face him when I am wearing Joe's engagement ring. A ring that he has been trying to give me for years and I had kept turning him down.
Taking a deep breath I finally turn to face Zac though I stay in his embrace, "I accepted Joe's proposal," I inform him as I hold my hand up to show him the ring. It's then that his face becomes unreadable. I have always been able to read Zac but this, this is different and it scares me because I want to know how he feels. I want to see how he feels.
"Am I supposed to congratulate you?" Zac asks after a few minutes and he moves away from me, his arms being gone from my waist make me feel so damn empty.
"No," I say as I shake my head. "I just thought you should know," I tell him knowing he does need to know. He needs to know that soon I am going to be someone else's like he belongs to someone else.
Zac frowns finally as he looks away from me, "I think you are making a mistake," he states as his voice cracks and I feel my heart shatter. I know he is on the verge of tears when his voice cracks and it makes me feel awful. "Joe's not right for you," he says when he looks at me again and this time I can read his emotions as I see tears brimming in his brown eyes.
I sigh at his words, "Maybe so but the person who is right for me I can't have," I tell him as I nod and look into his eyes. "He is my brother and it's illegal and he is married anyway," I shrug before walking towards him but he moves away slightly. "I want a family Zac," I tell him knowing he should know my reasons for accepting Joe's proposal. "I'm twenty-seven and I want a family and kids. I can't have those with you and you have Kate."
"But I don't want Kate," Zac whispers as he looks away from me again.
"You went back to her when she came back from Georgia after being gone for almost a year. You went back to her and left me in the dust just to be your secret," I state raising my voice some. "I mean I was your secret anyway but then I had to become a secret you just met at a hotel once every so many months. We couldn't just go to your house like we used too."
Zac keeps his gaze off of me even after I speak. I half wonder if he is thinking of something to say. Something to explain away why he took Kate back when he loved me. "I had to take her back Jessie," he finally says his voice low. "She's my wife and the mother of my children. I can't just leave her even if she treats me like shit," he said as he looks at me again. "I just want to be happy and I could never be with you like I am here. I can never truly be with you."
I nod my head because I know what he means. I know that feeling because that is almost the same thing I had said about Joe. "And that's why I accepted Joe's proposal," I sigh as I look down at the floor. "I can never truly be with you."
When I use his own words I hear him exhale loudly before walking towards me and he lifts my cheek. After he does he just kisses me roughly and it's after that things become a blur. We end up making love on the floor and then the bed and I almost don't want it to end but it does because like every moment with him it all comes crashing down too soon and the moment is broken after the second time we make love, the time on the bed. His phone ends up ringing and we both know from the ring tone who it is.
Frowning I watch as he slips from the bed to answer it and I'm not shocked when he comes back to tell me it was Kate and that he has to go. One of their children is apparently sick and needs their daddy. I find it convenient only because she seems to always call during our stolen times together now.
After Zac leaves I stay and I cry. I cry because of the things I can't have with him and I cry because of what I can have with Joe. Things I want with Zac but of course life never gives you what you want. It just keeps giving you one blow after another.
___________________________________________________________________________
Five months later I paste on a smile as I stand in the bathroom of the reception hall where my wedding reception is taking place. Everyone is out there having fun. Everyone but me. I would be having fun but how can I have fun when I just married a man I don't love? When just mere weeks after this day that man and I are going to be moving to Vegas because of his work. I will no longer be here with Zac for even stolen moments. Moments that we have been having more frequently leading up to my wedding.
Hell I haven't even told Zac I was leaving. I haven't found that courage yet. I know it will break him and I'm not ready to deal with that just yet.
Hearing the door to the bathroom open I look up and again use my fake smile when I see Avery waltzing in. It's apparent she has had too much alcohol but I'm not going to call her on it.
"There you are Jessie," she giggles as she walks to me. "Mom was about to have a fit trying to find you and Zac well Zac is pouting and being his usual self," she says as she nudges me in the arm.
"Zac has no reason to pout," I tell her as I scrunch up my nose and shake my head.
Avery gives me a look I can't read as she giggles again, "Of course he does," she says matter of factly. "He loves you."
I swallow hard at Avery's words and shake my head, "He doesn't love me."
"That's what he said after he came to my house and got high with me last week. He went on this rant on how he loved you and you were getting married and you could never be with him like you both wanted. I don't even think he knew I was listening but I always listen to what Zac says," Avery sighs a hint of sadness in her voice at the last words she says. "But that's not the point. The point is Zac does love you and you married another man and he is pouting. At least go out there and dance with Zac once so you two can pretend it's your wedding dance."
Again I shake my head not even sure Avery is making sense but I walk towards the door and leave the bathroom. Sure enough I do see Zac sitting beside Kate and he does kind of look like he is pouting.
"I told you he was pouting," Avery whispers which makes me jump because I hadn't even realized she had came out of the bathroom. "Now go dance with him and make our brother happy."
"I don't think I should," I whisper back as I look towards Joe and see him sitting next to our mother. He looks bored out of his mind. "I should save my husband from our mother before she bores him to death," I nod as I walk away from Avery and head to Joe.
Sometime after I join Joe I can't help but turn my head to look at Zac again though when I do I raise an eyebrow noticing he is gone from his seat. It's only then that I look towards the dance floor and see him there. It seems Avery has decided to do what I wouldn't. She is dancing with Zac and I'm shocked that Kate even allowed Zac out of her sights for that long and I find myself a little unsettled with the way Avery is dancing with Zac.
Maybe it's not the fact that I am shocked. Maybe I am jealous especially when Avery raises her head from Zac's shoulder to say something to him. It's the look in her eyes that makes a chill run down my spine. How could I have missed the signs all along or had this just developed? How could I have not known that Avery was in love with the man who I also loved? How could I have not noticed her pining after Zac?
Looking away from them I sigh now understanding the sadness in Avery's voice in the bathroom. She is in love with Zac and she knows about us and god that had to hurt her, especially if..well god she had always talked about loving someone but it being forbidden and him probably not feeling the same and being grossed out. Now she knows though..she knows he has done the same things she has wanted from him but with me..a sister whom she has looked up too.
I almost feel sad for her especially when I know she gave me the option to dance with Zac too and I didn't take it. I didn't take it so she did and at least maybe I did do one good thing today and with this whole mess with Joe and the engagement. I at least gave Avery a bit of Zac and maybe she can pretend in this moment Zac loves her just like she had wanted Zac and I to pretend it was our wedding dance if I had taken her advice.
Hell maybe once I am gone he will turn to Avery for comfort though I kind of don't want him too. I want him to just stay unhappy with Kate like I have to be unhappy with Joe now. I don't want him turning to anyone else to make him feel better. I want to have the knowledge that only I can do that and that he will only ever love me, even if that makes me cruel or twisted. That is the boat I am going to be in. There will be no one else who will ever make me feel happy and hopefully whenever I do come to visit Zac and I can go to our secret meeting place at that hotel and for brief periods we can make each other feel happy again because no one else can make us feel that way.
