The Past Is Just A Goodbye Chapter Seven
Zac sat in the kitchen of his apartment, the apartment that Taylor had committed suicide in a week ago. It was hard to believe a week had passed. A full week full of nothing but pain and heartache for him. He had, had the funeral two days ago. He had only allowed a few good friends to attend and Isaac had also asked to come. Zac had obliged and let him.
"Damn it Taylor." he muttered to himself. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to make it on his own nor was he sure how he was going to face going to court in a matter of weeks to find out if he would lose Cecily as well. He was still blaming himself for leaving Taylor the night he caught him doing drugs. Maybe if he had stayed then Taylor would still be here right now.
"I don't know how to go on," Zac croaked out as he felt tears stinging his eyes again. "How can I stay strong and keep going on when all I want is you?" he asked as he looked towards the ceiling. He was supposed to have spent the rest of his life with Taylor and that dream was squashed now. "You left me here alone," he sighed feeling a bit angry too. "You left me here and I'm just not that strong without you."
"Daddy Zac?" Cecily asked as she walked into the kitchen and yawned. She had woken up from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep.
Hearing Cecily, Zac wiped the tears from his eyes and looked down at her, "Yes, Cess?" he asked as he raised an eyebrow wondering why she was up. He had put her to bed two hours ago.
"I had a bad dream," Cecily frowned as she walked closer to her daddy Zac and climbed into his lap. "Daddy was in it and he was being mean and wouldn't stop hiding from me," she said as her lip quivered some before she began to cry. "I wanted daddy."
Zac frowned as he heard Cecily describe her dream. Pulling her closer to him he wished he knew what to say to her to make her feel better. He was sure her dream was because, she, like him missed Taylor. She was too young to still grasp the fact that her daddy wasn't coming back to her. That Taylor had abandoned them both when he killed himself.
Sighing he kissed her forehead, "Daddy would never hide from you," he said as he rubbed her back softly. "You know that sweetie."
Cecily nodded but still continued to cry, "But then how come I can't see him anymore?" she asked as she looked up into her daddy Zac's eyes. She just wanted to see her daddy again.
"Because," Zac paused trying to think of the right words to say. "God decided that he needed to see daddy for awhile," he said hoping that was right. "God decided that daddy needed to be in a new place but one day we will both get to see him again."
"When?" Cecily asked wanting to know when they could see him again.
Zac chewed on his lip, hating the fact that she was asking questions. He hated that she even had to ask these kind of questions. "Well, whenever God decides that it's time for him to see us," he said feeling a lump form in his throat. "It will be a long time from now but as long as we have each other, well, maybe it won't seem so long," Zac smiled knowing that he couldn't lose Cecily. No, he was going to get through this storm and he was going to get through it with his daughter. She was all he had left of Taylor now.
Cecily nodded and wiped her eyes, "I don't want you to go away," she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. "I love you."
Zac smiled and he held her to him. When she said she loved him he just sighed. He loved her too and he would do what Taylor asked of him. He would keep fighting for her.
"I love you too sweetie," he said as he stood from the chair and walked out of the kitchen. "How about you sleep with me in my bed tonight," Zac said as he walked down the hallway and into the room he had once shared with Taylor.
Maybe if Cecily slept in here she would sleep better. Heck maybe with her in here he would actually get more than an hours worth of sleep, which was all he had gotten this past week.
Laying down Zac still held Cecily and he sighed, "Goodnight munchkin," he said as he closed his eyes.
"Night daddy Zac," Cecily yawned as she snuggled into him and closed her eyes. Soon her breathing evened out and she was gone.
Zac kept his eyes closed and listened to Cecily breathe. Once her breathing had went even he knew she was asleep. The more he listened to her, the more he felt himself being lulled into a slumber as well.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A few hours later Zac awoke as he heard a knock on the front door. Seeing Cecily still asleep he moved slowly as not to wake her up. Turning over he looked at the clock and saw that it read seven-thirty in the morning. Who was here that early?
Sighing he reluctantly got out of bed and left the room. Walking down the hallway he was sure he looked horrible but he didn't care. Reaching the door he opened it and raised an eyebrow when he came face to face with his mother.
"What are you doing here?" Zac asked as he crossed his arms, not wanting his mother to come inside. His parents were also to blame for Taylor being gone.
Diana looked down after Zac had opened the door, "I wanted to see how you were doing," she admitted, knowing that he had to be suffering over losing Taylor. She may not have approved of his relationship with Taylor but that didn't change the fact that he loved Taylor.
Zac rolled his eyes at his mother's words, "I'm doing as well as I can be," he muttered. "I mean my soul mate is gone. How am I supposed to be?"
"I expected you to be a wreck," Diana admitted as she looked up at her son. "I'm sorry he is gone," she frowned. She knew she was to blame for Taylor being dead. She knew this custody battle had gotten to him and broke him down. To say she hated herself would be the truth. "I'm sorry that I am part of the reason he is gone."
"Are you really sorry?" Zac asked as he locked eyes with his mother. He was having a hard time believing that she was sorry. She wasn't sorry that Taylor was gone and she wasn't sorry that she had played a part in him being gone.
Diana nodded her heard, "Of course I am sorry Zachary," she said as she used Zac's full name. "I hate knowing that I'm part of the reason that Taylor chose to end his life," she frowned before shaking her head. "I decided to drop the custody battle."
When his mother said that she had decided to drop the custody battle, Zac almost thought he was dreaming. He hadn't been expecting to hear that from her. He found it kind of funny that it had taken Taylor dying for her to do that. He almost wanted to laugh and cry at that.
"I think it's too late for you to drop it now," Zac said his tone turning harsh. "It's not going to bring Taylor back."
Diana chewed on her lip as Zac got harsh with her. She should have expected him to get harsh. He was still grieving over Taylor. When he said that her dropping the custody battle wouldn't bring Taylor back she swallowed a lump in her throat, "I know," she nodded. "I know nothing will bring him back no matter how much I wish it would. But I didn't do it in hopes of it bringing Taylor back. I did it to salvage whatever I could with you," she confessed her voice breaking slightly. "I lost one son, I don't want to lose another one."
Zac listened to his mother speak and he stayed silent. Hearing her reason for dropping her petition for custody of Cecily he sighed. He wasn't sure he even wanted to have a relationship with her. The cold hard truth was if Taylor was still alive she wouldn't care about salvaging shit. She would still be on her quest for custody.
"Why?" Zac asked as he looked away from her. "We both know if Taylor was still alive nothing would have changed. Why does it change now that he is gone?" he asked as he stayed looking away from his mother. He wasn't one for conversations like this but lately they seemed to be all that he was having.
"Because losing Taylor was my wake up call Zachary," Diana said as her voice broke some more and she stopped fighting back tears. Seeing Zac avoid her gaze she reached out and touched his cheek softly. She had always used to comfort him when he was little by touching his cheek and telling him things would be okay. She half wished she could tell him that now, but, she knew she couldn't and she knew he wouldn't believe her.
Zac felt his mother's hand on his cheek and he shivered slightly. He hadn't been expecting her touch, "I think your wake up call came too late," Zac answered as he pulled away from her touch. Moving away from the door he shut it and then slid down it and onto the floor. He knew he should have forgiven her but right now there was still too much hurt there. He had too many fresh wounds to just forgive her and try forgetting.
"I'm sorry mom," Zac whispered to thin air as he pulled his knees up to his chest and broke down crying.
Zac sat in the kitchen of his apartment, the apartment that Taylor had committed suicide in a week ago. It was hard to believe a week had passed. A full week full of nothing but pain and heartache for him. He had, had the funeral two days ago. He had only allowed a few good friends to attend and Isaac had also asked to come. Zac had obliged and let him.
"Damn it Taylor." he muttered to himself. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to make it on his own nor was he sure how he was going to face going to court in a matter of weeks to find out if he would lose Cecily as well. He was still blaming himself for leaving Taylor the night he caught him doing drugs. Maybe if he had stayed then Taylor would still be here right now.
"I don't know how to go on," Zac croaked out as he felt tears stinging his eyes again. "How can I stay strong and keep going on when all I want is you?" he asked as he looked towards the ceiling. He was supposed to have spent the rest of his life with Taylor and that dream was squashed now. "You left me here alone," he sighed feeling a bit angry too. "You left me here and I'm just not that strong without you."
"Daddy Zac?" Cecily asked as she walked into the kitchen and yawned. She had woken up from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep.
Hearing Cecily, Zac wiped the tears from his eyes and looked down at her, "Yes, Cess?" he asked as he raised an eyebrow wondering why she was up. He had put her to bed two hours ago.
"I had a bad dream," Cecily frowned as she walked closer to her daddy Zac and climbed into his lap. "Daddy was in it and he was being mean and wouldn't stop hiding from me," she said as her lip quivered some before she began to cry. "I wanted daddy."
Zac frowned as he heard Cecily describe her dream. Pulling her closer to him he wished he knew what to say to her to make her feel better. He was sure her dream was because, she, like him missed Taylor. She was too young to still grasp the fact that her daddy wasn't coming back to her. That Taylor had abandoned them both when he killed himself.
Sighing he kissed her forehead, "Daddy would never hide from you," he said as he rubbed her back softly. "You know that sweetie."
Cecily nodded but still continued to cry, "But then how come I can't see him anymore?" she asked as she looked up into her daddy Zac's eyes. She just wanted to see her daddy again.
"Because," Zac paused trying to think of the right words to say. "God decided that he needed to see daddy for awhile," he said hoping that was right. "God decided that daddy needed to be in a new place but one day we will both get to see him again."
"When?" Cecily asked wanting to know when they could see him again.
Zac chewed on his lip, hating the fact that she was asking questions. He hated that she even had to ask these kind of questions. "Well, whenever God decides that it's time for him to see us," he said feeling a lump form in his throat. "It will be a long time from now but as long as we have each other, well, maybe it won't seem so long," Zac smiled knowing that he couldn't lose Cecily. No, he was going to get through this storm and he was going to get through it with his daughter. She was all he had left of Taylor now.
Cecily nodded and wiped her eyes, "I don't want you to go away," she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. "I love you."
Zac smiled and he held her to him. When she said she loved him he just sighed. He loved her too and he would do what Taylor asked of him. He would keep fighting for her.
"I love you too sweetie," he said as he stood from the chair and walked out of the kitchen. "How about you sleep with me in my bed tonight," Zac said as he walked down the hallway and into the room he had once shared with Taylor.
Maybe if Cecily slept in here she would sleep better. Heck maybe with her in here he would actually get more than an hours worth of sleep, which was all he had gotten this past week.
Laying down Zac still held Cecily and he sighed, "Goodnight munchkin," he said as he closed his eyes.
"Night daddy Zac," Cecily yawned as she snuggled into him and closed her eyes. Soon her breathing evened out and she was gone.
Zac kept his eyes closed and listened to Cecily breathe. Once her breathing had went even he knew she was asleep. The more he listened to her, the more he felt himself being lulled into a slumber as well.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A few hours later Zac awoke as he heard a knock on the front door. Seeing Cecily still asleep he moved slowly as not to wake her up. Turning over he looked at the clock and saw that it read seven-thirty in the morning. Who was here that early?
Sighing he reluctantly got out of bed and left the room. Walking down the hallway he was sure he looked horrible but he didn't care. Reaching the door he opened it and raised an eyebrow when he came face to face with his mother.
"What are you doing here?" Zac asked as he crossed his arms, not wanting his mother to come inside. His parents were also to blame for Taylor being gone.
Diana looked down after Zac had opened the door, "I wanted to see how you were doing," she admitted, knowing that he had to be suffering over losing Taylor. She may not have approved of his relationship with Taylor but that didn't change the fact that he loved Taylor.
Zac rolled his eyes at his mother's words, "I'm doing as well as I can be," he muttered. "I mean my soul mate is gone. How am I supposed to be?"
"I expected you to be a wreck," Diana admitted as she looked up at her son. "I'm sorry he is gone," she frowned. She knew she was to blame for Taylor being dead. She knew this custody battle had gotten to him and broke him down. To say she hated herself would be the truth. "I'm sorry that I am part of the reason he is gone."
"Are you really sorry?" Zac asked as he locked eyes with his mother. He was having a hard time believing that she was sorry. She wasn't sorry that Taylor was gone and she wasn't sorry that she had played a part in him being gone.
Diana nodded her heard, "Of course I am sorry Zachary," she said as she used Zac's full name. "I hate knowing that I'm part of the reason that Taylor chose to end his life," she frowned before shaking her head. "I decided to drop the custody battle."
When his mother said that she had decided to drop the custody battle, Zac almost thought he was dreaming. He hadn't been expecting to hear that from her. He found it kind of funny that it had taken Taylor dying for her to do that. He almost wanted to laugh and cry at that.
"I think it's too late for you to drop it now," Zac said his tone turning harsh. "It's not going to bring Taylor back."
Diana chewed on her lip as Zac got harsh with her. She should have expected him to get harsh. He was still grieving over Taylor. When he said that her dropping the custody battle wouldn't bring Taylor back she swallowed a lump in her throat, "I know," she nodded. "I know nothing will bring him back no matter how much I wish it would. But I didn't do it in hopes of it bringing Taylor back. I did it to salvage whatever I could with you," she confessed her voice breaking slightly. "I lost one son, I don't want to lose another one."
Zac listened to his mother speak and he stayed silent. Hearing her reason for dropping her petition for custody of Cecily he sighed. He wasn't sure he even wanted to have a relationship with her. The cold hard truth was if Taylor was still alive she wouldn't care about salvaging shit. She would still be on her quest for custody.
"Why?" Zac asked as he looked away from her. "We both know if Taylor was still alive nothing would have changed. Why does it change now that he is gone?" he asked as he stayed looking away from his mother. He wasn't one for conversations like this but lately they seemed to be all that he was having.
"Because losing Taylor was my wake up call Zachary," Diana said as her voice broke some more and she stopped fighting back tears. Seeing Zac avoid her gaze she reached out and touched his cheek softly. She had always used to comfort him when he was little by touching his cheek and telling him things would be okay. She half wished she could tell him that now, but, she knew she couldn't and she knew he wouldn't believe her.
Zac felt his mother's hand on his cheek and he shivered slightly. He hadn't been expecting her touch, "I think your wake up call came too late," Zac answered as he pulled away from her touch. Moving away from the door he shut it and then slid down it and onto the floor. He knew he should have forgiven her but right now there was still too much hurt there. He had too many fresh wounds to just forgive her and try forgetting.
"I'm sorry mom," Zac whispered to thin air as he pulled his knees up to his chest and broke down crying.