The Past Is Just A Goodbye Chapter Six
Zac sat on the hotel bed two days later and watched Cecily as she colored in a coloring book he had gotten her yesterday. He hadn't returned home since he left Taylor after catching him doing drugs with Alex. He just couldn't muster up the courage to see Taylor again right now. He had known Taylor was a drug addict at one point but he had hoped that Taylor wouldn't have fallen into old traps, especially after Cecily had been born.
Sighing he reached for the remote that was beside him on the bed. Turning the channel he heard a knock on the door and stood up. He had a feeling it was Taylor, it wasn't like he was trying to hide from him. He had just went to a hotel that was a few blocks away from their apartment and he had parked his car right where it could have been seen.
Walking to the door he reached out and opened it but raised an eyebrow when it wasn't Taylor he saw but his brother Isaac.
"What are you doing here?" Zac asked as he raised an eyebrow and crossed his arm. He really didn't feel like seeing Isaac or anyone else in his family. Not since they had all turned their backs on him and Taylor when they had came out as being a couple.
Seeing Isaac look down before answering him, Zac knew it had to be bad news. Isaac could never look at someone if he was giving bad news.
"Taylor's dead," Isaac said harshly and the words felt like they had punched Zac in the gut. Isaac had to be lying, surely Taylor wasn't dead. He had just seen Taylor two days ago. Taylor couldn't have died in two days.
"Stop lying to me Ike," Zac said as he shook his head refusing to believe the words that Isaac spoke. He would never believe that Taylor was dead.
Isaac looked up at Zac, "I'm not lying," he spat as he crossed his arms. "He shot himself in the head. The neighbors heard the gunshot and called 911. They got there but, well, you know there was nothing they can do," he frowned. "I was listed as his next of kin still and they contacted me."
Swallowing hard as he heard Isaac talk more Zac felt as if he was starting to drown. Starting to suffocate. He didn't want to believe still but the seriousness of Isaac's tone and the sadness in his face was making Zac's denial fade.
"How did you know I was staying in a hotel?" Zac asked still trying to keep some of his denial in place. Taylor had to have told him which meant he was still alive and this was just some sick joke.
Isaac reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter, "He left this behind," he said as he handed Zac the letter. "It stated that you had left and that was one of the reason's he did what he did. I drove around for a good thirty minutes before I finally recognized your car parked out in front of this hotel," Isaac frowned again.
Zac took the letter from Isaac and he opened the envelope. Taking the folded paper out he read it, recognizing Taylor's handwriting immediately.
Dear Whoever Finds This,
I'm sorry for doing this. Sorry that I'm such a coward that I can't face life anymore. But right now, with everything falling apart, Zac leaving me and taking Cecily, and then my parents trying to get custody of Cecily, I just can't do this anymore. I can't bear the weight or burden of the incredible sadness that I feel inside of me everyday.
All I ask is that whoever finds this, gives this to Zac. He needs to know that even if I messed up that I will love him forever and that I'm sorry for leaving him the way I did. I'm sorry for leaving him at all to be honest. I also want him to keep fighting for our, no, his daughter now. He needs to fight for her much like I would have done, had I had the strength emotionally to do it.
Taylor
P.S. Zac, if you read this, please let Cecily know every day that I love her....and when she is old enough, give her the letter I wrote for her. It's hidden inside my old sketchbook. The one I used to keep during our This Time Around Tour.
Closing the letter, Zac wiped away the tears that had started down his cheek. Isaac had been telling the truth. Taylor had killed himself, just ended things, no goodbye.
"I...Isaac," Zac stuttered his voice breaking as he spoke. "I need you to catch me," he said as he started to fall to the floor. He was thankful when he felt arms around him and he knew that Isaac had done what he asked him too.
Once he was sure that Isaac wouldn't let him go, Zac broke down crying. They weren't just the silent sobs either. They were loud and his body shook as he cried. He had lost the love of his life and there was no way of getting Taylor back. He couldn't just call him or run after him. Taylor was dead and Zac was alone now.
"It will be okay," Isaac muttered as he rubbed Zac's back.
Zac cried harder and he wanted to believe Isaac, he really wanted too, but he couldn't. With Taylor gone nothing could be okay ever again. The world was now a much darker place and Zac was sure he had lost any sense of optimism he had ever had.
"It won't be okay," Zac croaked out as he pulled away from Isaac's embrace and shook his head. "Nothing will ever be okay again," he sighed as he looked down and stayed silent. He wasn't sure what else to say, not right now anyway.
Isaac nodded at Zac's words, "I'll let you be for awhile, so you can come to terms with things," he sighed before turning and leaving.
Zac looked up and watched Isaac leave. Once Isaac was gone he went and shut the door. Turning he looked at Cecily who was still too interested in her coloring back too notice that he was upset. He glad of the fact that once something had Cecily's attention that it kept her attention.
Going to the bed he sat down and took a few deep breaths even though it hurt to breathe. It hurt to do anything right now. How could Taylor this was okay? That he could just leave Zac like he did. That leaving Zac was the right choice.
Looking at Cecily again Zac felt more tears come to his eyes. How could Taylor think that leaving Cecily was a good idea? Cecily was a daddy's girl and she would be devastated once he told her that the man she loved so much wasn't coming back. Hell how could he tell her such stuff? How did you tell a two year old that one of their parents was dead. It was something Zac didn't really want to do but he knew he would have too.
"Daddy Zac?" Cecily asked as she finally looked up from her coloring book.
Zac raised his eyebrow at Cecily's question, "Yes?" he asked as she wiped at his eyes.
"Why are you crying?" she asked as she left the bed she had been sitting on and going to his bed. Crawling into his lap she reached up and wiped his eyes as well. "Call daddy and he can make it better," she said smiling. "He always makes me better."
At Cecily's words Zac cried again and pulled Cecily closer to him. He knew she didn't understand that her words had hurt him more than they had helped him. She would never understand that right now.
"I wish I could Cess," Zac whispered wishing that he could call Taylor again, if not just to hear the voice he loved. To hear Taylor say he loved him one last time. Zac wished he had too had told Taylor he loved him the last time he saw him. He wished he hadn't even left Taylor now. They should have just talked through it, but no, Zac had to be impulsive and leave. Taylor's death was partly his fault and he felt like shit for knowing that.
Zac sat on the hotel bed two days later and watched Cecily as she colored in a coloring book he had gotten her yesterday. He hadn't returned home since he left Taylor after catching him doing drugs with Alex. He just couldn't muster up the courage to see Taylor again right now. He had known Taylor was a drug addict at one point but he had hoped that Taylor wouldn't have fallen into old traps, especially after Cecily had been born.
Sighing he reached for the remote that was beside him on the bed. Turning the channel he heard a knock on the door and stood up. He had a feeling it was Taylor, it wasn't like he was trying to hide from him. He had just went to a hotel that was a few blocks away from their apartment and he had parked his car right where it could have been seen.
Walking to the door he reached out and opened it but raised an eyebrow when it wasn't Taylor he saw but his brother Isaac.
"What are you doing here?" Zac asked as he raised an eyebrow and crossed his arm. He really didn't feel like seeing Isaac or anyone else in his family. Not since they had all turned their backs on him and Taylor when they had came out as being a couple.
Seeing Isaac look down before answering him, Zac knew it had to be bad news. Isaac could never look at someone if he was giving bad news.
"Taylor's dead," Isaac said harshly and the words felt like they had punched Zac in the gut. Isaac had to be lying, surely Taylor wasn't dead. He had just seen Taylor two days ago. Taylor couldn't have died in two days.
"Stop lying to me Ike," Zac said as he shook his head refusing to believe the words that Isaac spoke. He would never believe that Taylor was dead.
Isaac looked up at Zac, "I'm not lying," he spat as he crossed his arms. "He shot himself in the head. The neighbors heard the gunshot and called 911. They got there but, well, you know there was nothing they can do," he frowned. "I was listed as his next of kin still and they contacted me."
Swallowing hard as he heard Isaac talk more Zac felt as if he was starting to drown. Starting to suffocate. He didn't want to believe still but the seriousness of Isaac's tone and the sadness in his face was making Zac's denial fade.
"How did you know I was staying in a hotel?" Zac asked still trying to keep some of his denial in place. Taylor had to have told him which meant he was still alive and this was just some sick joke.
Isaac reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter, "He left this behind," he said as he handed Zac the letter. "It stated that you had left and that was one of the reason's he did what he did. I drove around for a good thirty minutes before I finally recognized your car parked out in front of this hotel," Isaac frowned again.
Zac took the letter from Isaac and he opened the envelope. Taking the folded paper out he read it, recognizing Taylor's handwriting immediately.
Dear Whoever Finds This,
I'm sorry for doing this. Sorry that I'm such a coward that I can't face life anymore. But right now, with everything falling apart, Zac leaving me and taking Cecily, and then my parents trying to get custody of Cecily, I just can't do this anymore. I can't bear the weight or burden of the incredible sadness that I feel inside of me everyday.
All I ask is that whoever finds this, gives this to Zac. He needs to know that even if I messed up that I will love him forever and that I'm sorry for leaving him the way I did. I'm sorry for leaving him at all to be honest. I also want him to keep fighting for our, no, his daughter now. He needs to fight for her much like I would have done, had I had the strength emotionally to do it.
Taylor
P.S. Zac, if you read this, please let Cecily know every day that I love her....and when she is old enough, give her the letter I wrote for her. It's hidden inside my old sketchbook. The one I used to keep during our This Time Around Tour.
Closing the letter, Zac wiped away the tears that had started down his cheek. Isaac had been telling the truth. Taylor had killed himself, just ended things, no goodbye.
"I...Isaac," Zac stuttered his voice breaking as he spoke. "I need you to catch me," he said as he started to fall to the floor. He was thankful when he felt arms around him and he knew that Isaac had done what he asked him too.
Once he was sure that Isaac wouldn't let him go, Zac broke down crying. They weren't just the silent sobs either. They were loud and his body shook as he cried. He had lost the love of his life and there was no way of getting Taylor back. He couldn't just call him or run after him. Taylor was dead and Zac was alone now.
"It will be okay," Isaac muttered as he rubbed Zac's back.
Zac cried harder and he wanted to believe Isaac, he really wanted too, but he couldn't. With Taylor gone nothing could be okay ever again. The world was now a much darker place and Zac was sure he had lost any sense of optimism he had ever had.
"It won't be okay," Zac croaked out as he pulled away from Isaac's embrace and shook his head. "Nothing will ever be okay again," he sighed as he looked down and stayed silent. He wasn't sure what else to say, not right now anyway.
Isaac nodded at Zac's words, "I'll let you be for awhile, so you can come to terms with things," he sighed before turning and leaving.
Zac looked up and watched Isaac leave. Once Isaac was gone he went and shut the door. Turning he looked at Cecily who was still too interested in her coloring back too notice that he was upset. He glad of the fact that once something had Cecily's attention that it kept her attention.
Going to the bed he sat down and took a few deep breaths even though it hurt to breathe. It hurt to do anything right now. How could Taylor this was okay? That he could just leave Zac like he did. That leaving Zac was the right choice.
Looking at Cecily again Zac felt more tears come to his eyes. How could Taylor think that leaving Cecily was a good idea? Cecily was a daddy's girl and she would be devastated once he told her that the man she loved so much wasn't coming back. Hell how could he tell her such stuff? How did you tell a two year old that one of their parents was dead. It was something Zac didn't really want to do but he knew he would have too.
"Daddy Zac?" Cecily asked as she finally looked up from her coloring book.
Zac raised his eyebrow at Cecily's question, "Yes?" he asked as she wiped at his eyes.
"Why are you crying?" she asked as she left the bed she had been sitting on and going to his bed. Crawling into his lap she reached up and wiped his eyes as well. "Call daddy and he can make it better," she said smiling. "He always makes me better."
At Cecily's words Zac cried again and pulled Cecily closer to him. He knew she didn't understand that her words had hurt him more than they had helped him. She would never understand that right now.
"I wish I could Cess," Zac whispered wishing that he could call Taylor again, if not just to hear the voice he loved. To hear Taylor say he loved him one last time. Zac wished he had too had told Taylor he loved him the last time he saw him. He wished he hadn't even left Taylor now. They should have just talked through it, but no, Zac had to be impulsive and leave. Taylor's death was partly his fault and he felt like shit for knowing that.
